It's funny..Before I met Carlton, I had a plan for how my life would go. I thought I would find my soul mate and have at least one child by the time I turned 30. I never imagined that starting my family would be such a production. At 26, I had severe pancreatitis (for the bajillionth time) and ended up in the hospital on a morphine pump. This time something was different; I also developed a blood clot in my spleen and lost my spleen. I didn't have to have surgery. My spleen "died" from a lack of blood flow. Eventually, I got out of the hosptial and really didn't give much more thought to my spleen. I did cut back on drinking alcohol to lessen the likelihood of getting pancreatitis again. At 28, Carlton and I were arguing about when to start a family. Should we start trying in March or wait until July? Amazingly enough, that led to lots of disagreements. He wanted to wait until July. In February of my 28th year, we found out that Carlton had the CF gene. Our chances of having a baby with CF shot to 50%. My CF nurse conferenced Carlton and me. He was working at home and  I was in the car. She told us the news and I haven't ever heard sadness like I heard in Carlton's voice.  I just wanted to take his pain away but I couldn't. We gave ourselves a short time to process the new information and then we resolved to find a solution. We began meeting with specialists who said that with help from science, we could have a baby without CF. Carlton and I were so relieved until we met with a fertiliy specialist who didn't want me to carry a baby given my clot, pancreatitis, etc. We were knocked down again but no problem! We can handle anything. We talked to an attorney about using a surrogate to carry our child. Nope...that won't work either. The chances of the time, money and effort producing a healthy baby are too low to take the risks. Ok- we'll adopt! Most agencies won't work with us but we can do a private adoption through an attorney. That's not really working out either. We are finally beginning to accept that we may not ever have children. I feel like a failure. I feel guily that I can't give Carlton a baby and that my mom, dad and step-parents won't be grandparents. I don't know how we fill the void that we both feel. We talk about traveling and spoiling our nieces and nephew. Those thoughts sometimes serve as a temporary bandaid but when I sit down and really think about this (like I am to write this), it makes me so sad. I know that Carlton and I will get through this and that we both have a ton to be thankful for. It's just that we are used to working hard and getting what we want.  It's hard to accept that in this case, the outcome is out of our control. It's time for us to hold on to all of the wonderful things in our lives and remember that things could be a lot harder than they are for us.