Today has been one of those days. One of those days where all you think about is, why did this happen to my child? One of those days where you can't help but think about the fact that your child has to live with a disease that you gave her, a disease that could cause her to have a shorter life then she should and deserves to have.

I was eating lunch today, nothing out of the ordinary going on; my daughter was sleeping and I was enjoying my soaps, then all of a sudden the thought popped into my head: my daughter has to take enzymes everytime she eats. She will never have the urge to just get up and get something to eat without having to remember to take enzymes before hand. Granted my daughter is only 6 months old and is no where near the age where she is going to just want to grab something for herself, but someday she will be, and as she gets older I wont always be around to remind her and question her about it, I will have to worry about whether or not her school thinks its important enough to make sure she gets her meds each day, my life will be filled with constant worry, something I knew I would have the moment she was born regardless of her disease, but her having the disease makes the worry ten times worse. I love my daughter with every fiber of my being, and knowing that I passed on a gene that makes living life harder for her, kills me.

I wish she didnt have this disease, I would give anything for me to have this and not her, I wish there was something I could do to take this away and make it so she never has to deal with this again, but I can't. I do my part to help raise money for this disease, but I wish I could do more. I make sure I give her all her medications everyday without missing a beat, because its the best thing I can do to help her fight this disease, but sometimes I feel like its not enough. 

Ever since we found out that my daughter has Cystic Fibrosis, I go through these days where the emotions just overwhelm me and all I want to do all day is cry, I feel like Im grieving or something, somedays are good and others are bad, and no body in my family, except my husband, understands what this feels like, they have never gotten the terrible news that your child has a life-threatening, non-cureable disease, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like the world came crashing down on me. Before I got pregnant all I wanted to do was be a mommy, it was my main goal in life, and when I found out I was pregnant, I was exstatic, I felt like I was on cloud nine, then we got the news and all that bliss was taken away from me, I had finally become a mother and my world was crashing down on me, I cried for days. 

I just had to let this out, Ive been bottling it up for so long. My daughter is doing really good and is very healthy right now and Im extremely happy about that, but I know eventually that will change and that scares me, what can I do to make myself except this as my life now, is that even possible?